“Falling Slowly . . . and I Can’t Go Back”  Once

Love. That illusive emotion. What we strive for, and yet, so often don’t find. I had given up on it ever finding me. It seemed hopeless and I feared I would never find “the one.” What I never realized was love doesn’t just happen, (thank you hollywood for that dillusion) it grows.

I am a romantic at heart, but I have experienced rejection in the past. So when I met a man who made me feel something more, I did the only logical thing I could think of. I hid it and prayed. I was used to concealing my feelings. I avoided being hurt and hurting others, sometimes at the cost of my heart.

But there was something different this time. Anais Nin describes it much better than I ever could, “Then the time came when the risk it took to remain in a tight bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” I found I couldn’t hold everything in anymore. It just wasn’t possible and every word and action on his part was pulling back my tightly closed petals.

Opening up to him was the most frightening things I’ve ever done, but to my surprise he was there to catch me. The peace that followed was indescribable. Love happens many different ways, I know, but we expect the big booming fireworks, the crashing hurricane.

For me it was soft, peaceful, joyful, and I didn’t recognize it for what it was. I was distracted by the new fears and worries, that came with opening up. It is scary being open and honest with someone. Letting them get to know the deepest parts of you. I even started finding out new things about myself.

It wasn’t until my fears and worries almost ruined everything that I realized I was in love. And it was so much stronger and meant so much more than any vague fear or worry. Any future obstacle was worth it as long as I could be by his side. (Kind of crazy isn’t it?) But then everyone says love isn’t logical.

       “We Both Know” by Gavin Degraw and Colbie Caillat is one of the best songs I’ve heard describe my experience with love. The reality of love is a fight with yourself and a surrender. It is a choice to put that person first and to accept and love them for every thing they are. Love is a commitment as well as a blessing, because you know they are doing the same for you.

I look back at the last few months and am in awe of the path my life has taken. I could have walked away from it all. I could have let my insecurity control me and missed out on this amazing adventure.  But I didn’t. I don’t even know why I didn’t, but I am so thankful that I allowed myself the chance to fall. To love.